I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
