You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Randomize