I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Someone signed my nipple.
Randomize
