you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
