Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Randomize
