i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
