You smell like a Billy Joel song
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
