The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
