So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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