Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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