That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
