Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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