I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
