you turned your livingroom into a bong?
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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