Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize