My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
