And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
