I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
