i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
