If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
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