PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Randomize
