he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
