Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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