My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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