I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
a search helicopter?!
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
