I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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