Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
