If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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