Where is the hickey?
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
