i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
