as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Randomize
