He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
