I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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