If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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