We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
