me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
