I hate all girls vehemently.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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