Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize