Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
