something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
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