I accidentally had phone sex last night
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
