I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Randomize
