I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
