wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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