Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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