Me. At least after what I've been through.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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