My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Those nachos came to me in a dream
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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