Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
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