the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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