I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I'm up to 9 pic of different guys. I need 4 more boys and each one of the 13 to submit 3 additional pics. I wanna make a penis deck of cards.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Randomize
