1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
