so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
