somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
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