she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Randomize