I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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