My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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