i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Randomize
