you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
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