There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Randomize
