her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
