3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Two words: nipple clamps
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