Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
