Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
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