Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
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