i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
