u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
