my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
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