Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
