porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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