I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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